teedering on: evolve or fall

photography.

those of you that know me know i truly do love it. love photography with all my might.

it saved me, gave me an outlet to finally express myself. quiet, young angry women for reasons that no longer serve or phase me. photography gave me a focus, a place to channel my passion for life, storytelling , justice, beauty. for this is i am grateful to have discovered it and grateful to my teachers who nurtured this unbridled passion.

however its changing and its on the brink of death or major evolution. i mean, look how long photography has been around and now film is nearly extinct…

yesterday i spoke at the SPE (Society for Photographic Education) Northwest Conference. I arrived, listened to a few lectures and though amazed at the work and passion each presenter had to share, i was bored. why was i bored? i think because i have been happily deep in the tech/social media world for the last year or so thanks to salamgarage.

true, this was a totally academic crowd.  if you read my blog, a few entries ago i talked about how the ‘classroom’ feels like a cage to me. a prison. a straitjacket. all i wanted from a classroom was out of it, unless a compelling, dynamic conversation was going on..  or… when i was printing my negatives spaced out in my own world.

yesterday i went back down memory lane, talking about ‘a sense of place’ or ‘landscapes’… heady talk describing what ones sees, laced with opinion after critique after what to me feels like nonsense. actually, there wasn’t really a discussion going on. it was more like people raising their hand, telling the audience what they think and what books they’ve read that support what they think. ‘mental masturbation’ is what a professor friend calls it. i am not cut out for academia, obviously…  unless i get to challenge it, which i did a bit yesterday.

this will probably irritate a lot of people, so again, footnote: i was never that kind of photographer. those of you that have met me would expect that from me. i like disruptive conversation and innovation. i do not like people looking at creation and deconstructing it for the purpose of throwing it into a category supported by a critics point of view. why? isn’t it great the way it is, isn’t it great that someone took the time to make something and finished!!!… ?  and.. can’t we just shoot this with an iphone, apply a filter, call it a day? does the medium MATTER anymore, since the medium (and observer) is so incredibly mailable and now we can duplicate nearly every traditional technique…. why are people still talking about the zone system?

it was my turn to get up there. so i do and here are a few of my early slides:

there were others but that was the jist of it. not sure why the text is so small now.
anyway. i am a human being, a collection of cells, not a photographer, but this is how people introduced themselves. i told the audience i am a storyteller and my stories show up thru various kinds of mediums and places.

i  was bored and when i am bored i like to light a fire. i got up and said i don’t think mastering photography matters anymore, i think the ‘cat is out of the bag,’ that so many people can make a good photo now its crazy. and who decides what a good photo is? the observer. and there are the possibility of how many observers? many. so, a ‘good’ photo never made sense to me. a photo that evokes emotion, reaction, change, now that is  a ‘good’ photo to ‘me.’

i started by showing the video of rodney king being beat by the LAPD. that was ‘crappy’ video, but it changed the world.

then showed my work and the work of salamgarage participants. they liked it.

the audience challenged me. asked me something about poor people [in developing countries]. asked something about the ‘us and them’ factor.

i reminded him that i did not use the word ‘poor’ and that i think human consciousness is evolving to a place where we are very aware of our language. let’s be very conscious of our words, because our words shape reality. also,  we at salaamgarage do not think ‘us and them’ at all, we think… ‘we.’ that this may be his consciousness, though not mine.

it was awesome to be challenged and hear where people were coming from. the last photographer cropped out the ‘las vegas’ shirt the pygmy was wearing. he didn’t think it was right, it was distracting.

i’m ok with whatever people are wearing, i believe that whatever they are wearing is perfect, it is their choice and that is very much who they are,’ i told the audience. caxton has a ‘cat’ (caterpillar) shirt on. that is what he decided to wear that day. uniquely him. could also be his only shirt. who knows. still uniquely him.

you know, i felt like i was back in class in the early 90s, talking about the same stuff, enamored by the zone system and deconstructing images.

i’ll have more to say about this, but ultimately my message to the audience of students and educators was as follows:

i don’t think making pictures is enough. lets face it anyone can take a half decent photo these days. what i think matters is what are you going to do with it. why did you take that photo in the first place and what will you do with it? a photo doesn’t do anyone any good sitting on a hard drive. get it out there, do something with it.

also, if i were you students i would be collaborating with tech people. the tech industry is way more collaborative than the photo community. people work together, are less protective of methodology and projects (well, there are those with patents in the pipeline- tho they won’t even mention it)  and they are evolving on a daily basis. when tech and imagery are combined it is incredibly powerful and can have a much further breadth and impact, starting with number one: collaboration.

and last: think hard about why you picked up a camera in the first place. there is something you wanted to communicate. figure out what that is and do not ever forget why you picked up a camera. what will you add to the mix?

stay in your dreams, dreams can not hurt us.

… this is what ms biko said to us on the phone to me today.

wow. what a day.

backing up. we just got off a skype conference all with ms. bandi biko, steven bikos sister. we (neema mgana, sabrina messineo, guy de lancey and vaneshran + cape town team of citizen journalists) are working on a project to highlight 20 african women leaders. for the pilot we will profile ms bandi biko. we are funded by the international ywca in geneva for this first part, and from there we will profile another women creating a multi-media piece/tool kit to use for a mentoring platform for other young african women and men, salaamgarage style.

today we had our first conference call thanks for vaneshran and guy, cape town based. besides going thru the basic blah blah blah of a conference call…  something happened.

b4 any call i sit quietly in the morning and imagine. write what i’d like to cover, what the vision is for the project and any crazy ideas i have. it needs to be quiet, uninterrupted time early in the morning. combined with writing i’ll scour the internet and research who i will be talking with. i give myself an hour on purpose, cuz the internet is full of info and its important not to get thrown off course.

this morning i wrote up a preliminary plan for the pilot with ms biko i did the usual: visualize the project, what the goals are, what we told the granter we would do, keeping the budget in mind. and then i usually throw the budget out the window and write whatever comes to me, whatever i imagine. my dreams for the project. for this project the seemingly far-fetched idea was history. now i know we are supposed to profile ms biko but it is impossible to hear the name biko and not think of steven biko.

impossible. so i added it. history. you’ll see it in the paper here, in small letters. you’ll also see i didn’t know where the bikos were from at first, until i later researched:

so. on the phone we talked.. blah blah blah and vaneshran said something crucial. ‘it would be good to include ms bikos personal story’ in a calm, smooth voice. ‘agreed. the interview will be the opportunity for that’.’

i was quiet. ‘well, i have another idea.’  i asked.. ‘this may be far off, but i was dreaming that we could go back with you to your home town in the eastern cape. not sure if this is at all possible.. tho i had some ideas… they are dreams…’

‘we can stay in your dreams, dreams can not hurt us.’ she said in such a way that i (nearly) cried. in that moment all i could think of was steven biko and if he hadn’t dreamed, if he hadn’t followed his dreams and vision, we could not have been talking.

‘ok. i was dreaming we could go with you back to where you and steven are from, see your family home, high school… your history… ‘ i was gushing then, spilling out all of what i was really hoping we could do.

everyone was quite for a moment.

‘yes, this is possible.’

it was very hard for me to contain my enthusiasm and form a response…  also my tears. in that moment we all felt it. i felt her brother working this magic. magic.

turns out ms biko will be traveling to eastern cape when we were planing to be there for some family functions. turns out there will be a traditional wedding. turns out steven bikos birthday is on 12/18. ms biko was telling us it is a big event. people come from all over to celebrate. whoa.

‘i have a BIG family. very big. you are welcome’ i could hear her sit back in her chair and smile.

my god. if you are dreaming of something SAY IT. do it. do not hold back. look at this: a small scribble in my early morning notes has turned into this. you have no idea what steven biko has meant to me from very early on. its hard to explain, tho i will try in the coming months.

always imagine what you can do. imagine.

how i found my passion 1: ‘fail’ the intro class

do stuff. let yourself do stuff.

hang out. watch yourself. what makes you happy?

key: be present. don’t worry about money, time, right, wrong, does this look good, will my parents be ok with this, what about my degree from university…

that is all ego yelling at you cuz it is threatened by your doing, being, engaging.

‘i don’t know how to be happy.’ well, if that was really the case, you may have checked into the loony bin already + wouldn’t be reading this, you’re still curious. so, good news is you’re still here, hands untied, and still wondering about this. so, chances are you do know what makes you happy, what you love, tho not allowing yourself to emerge.

photography was like heroin for me (not totally relevant… maybe like chocolate cake). well, not at first. truth is first i failed photo 1. they were talking about emulsion, photo paper, chemical reactions, all of this stuff. i didn’t care. i felt it was irrelevant. i was there to learn how to make pictures, not the science behind it.

so then i completely failed photography 1. never even made a contact sheet: a) wasn’t engaged b) resigned and didn’t care. when we finally got to be in the darkroom (after all that talking about it) i just said ‘you go first’ to my friend mary, and managed to pretend like i was doing something, but was totally checked out + did nothing. couldn’t care less.

then i traveled to africa. i felt like i was let out of this cage called ‘classroom.’ i just took photos to my hearts content. snap-happy all over the horn of africa. made a ton of mistakes… screwed up the exposures… kept openeing the camera back b4 rewinding the film… dropped my camera… pieces flew everywhere… jerry rigged it with duct tape. i didn’t care about the class, forgot everything the teacher told me and dove in.

someone in ethiopia asked me if i had been to california and i said no. ‘what, you are here in ethiopia and you have not seen your own country, I have seen california!!’  good for him. so i felt stupid and when i returned from africa, i booked an Amtrak ticket across the usa. i traveled alone from new haven, ct (where i was living) all the way to arizona, across the south, to arizona, up to chicago then back home, tons more photos. that was incredible. (i know you are all wondering where i got the money for all this: waitressing and credit cards)

returned home with bags and bags of film. i decided that even though i knew everything there was to know about photography, i needed to take a class in order to use the lab for free. i just was never a big ‘classroom’ person. i had told the school (who after this class continuously gave me scholarships) i signed up for photo 2 ’so i could use the lab’. showed up in class very cocky knowing everything and NOT needing any class, was just on a tight budget and this was a cheaper way to develop my photos… and then dumped my bags of film out on the table.

my teacher at creative arts workshop terry degradi was pie-eyed and sucked in her breath. she looked at me very confused in disbelief (word got out that i had a ‘bad attitude’ and floundered photo 1). you see, terry let me do.

ok, now watch this:

terry then got me my first job as a photographer at yale halfway thru class.

i was given the job as darkroom monitor (more free darkroom time).

the director of the photo program harold shapiro asked me to teach photo 1, asap.

‘no way.’  told him. i detested photo 1. ‘why me?’

‘because something happened to you. for someone to totally reject photo 1 and come back to photo 2 with unbridled passion, you will be able to transfer that to others.’

(footnote: i stopped classroom teaching for the obvious reasons. i like to do. so now other do-ers, do it with me via salaamgarage)

poptech day 1

andrew gives me a big bear hug.

i’ll back up.

yesterday i woke up at 4am finished packing, had my usual pot of green tea and enjoyed a very early morning breath of fresh air.

becky picked me up at 5.30am on the dot, she helped me decide on which bag to take with me (ah- still on the research for that perfect laptop bag).

flew to dc, then to portland. about 12 hours of travel with only an open faced sandwich and liter of water in my belly. ooops. at my lay over in dc i poked around online as to how to get from Portland to Camden, my old stomping grounds.

15 years ago i worked as a teacher’s assistant at the maine film and photo workshops. started my career up there, decided one summer photography is what i am doing, period and never looked back. in dc yesterday i was trying to figure out how to get back up there ghetto style as i was spending salaamgarage’s precious pennies.

found a bus that departed from Portland to camden 18 minutes after i landed. i landed, ran straight to the cab who took me to the bus. made it. on the bus wondered how was i going to get from the bus stop to my hotel? ah. sat back and decided to let the universe figure it out. i’m getting tired of figuring this kind of thing out. reminds me when i pissed off my probability and statistics teacher in high school. he called on me for an answer. i shook my head when i stood up and looked at the chalkboard covered in numbers and squiggled, “dr. pearson, its always 50/50: either it happens or it doesn’t.” he shook his head too and hid a very secretive grin. i approached transpiration the same way last night.

get off the bus and there was a car waiting there to drive us around. ‘im your poptech call-me-whenever-you-need-me guy’ steve says as he hands me is card: “needful things and services inc”… no kidding. steve cheerfully drives me to my hotel. huh.

check in, rooms fine enough, read some more, hit the sack.

wake up, skpye my friend punya. we have a in-depth conversation about resistance. that humans create resistance. he disagreed with my use of resistance and said life tests us. i said man creates ‘test’, there is no test at all. life is about flow. we agreed to disagree.

off skpye, out the door, walked into camden. it was absolutely one of the most beautiful days ever. beautiful fall day in new england. i forgot about these leaves and this absolutely majestic palette. i walked down route 1 with my gaze straight up the whole time, in absolute awe of the autumn leaves.

i arrive, met some great people. a nice man took me for tea, we chatted. i jetted for a seminar on storytelling. we split up in groups and gave a 3-5 min preso to the entire audience. my group volunteered me cuz somehow i pulled a funny story out of thin air. so, i spoke, my teammate showed our ’slides’ (quick sketches). total improv. it was fun. ‘do you think it was good’ she asked. ‘ who cares, we had fun.’ i shrugged with a grin. giggled.

back to the poptech newbie session where i met andrew. ‘hi andrew, i am amanda koster of salamgarage.’ his face lit up and he gave me a huge bear hug. ‘you made it’ andrew personally invited me to poptech, comped my ticket saying he gives a handful of tickets out to a select few, etc. i felt special and also honored. i thanked him and said that was very kind cuz it was.

so then off to the opening night, appetizers, wine, connecting. this is a cool conference, one person after the next i was in awe of what they were up to. i mean, ‘are you serious?’  kept going thru my mind. wow. i’ve found my people. there is tech here where at times i start to go in circles but this is very much tied to changing the world, having an impact, i.e. A: giving a shit and B: doing something about it. my kind of place.

digging it. and really hungry. not much food intake in the last 48 hours. head for the apps, (appetizers, not applications) and dig in.

so i am inspired. it is slowly seeping in after i head home early so that i am not so tired tomorrow and have some time to unwind in my room. journal a bit, read some more ‘a new earth’ for the 2nd time, check out a few websites from earlier today and end up here on my blog.

was tempted to email my friend vanessa demanding how exactly did poptech change her life. didn’t feel any life changes on the walk home. felt cold, and again in awe of the sky. this time it was the stars that brought tears to my eyes.

you know, demanding change is not the way. forcing never works. forcing  in a way is creating resistance. in order to force there must be resistance. and where does it come from? so i looked at where could i be resisting, noticing i was trying to force an answer. force a reason for me to be here. force change into my life after 1/2 a day at a conference. i looked at it i and saw i was resisting the flow of today. the flow i’ve experienced the whole way. you see, life is subtle. period. once we embrace the beautiful subtlety of what life is showing us, peace oozes in. i thought about how happy andrews hug made me feel.

andrew gives me a big bear hug. ’sorry, you may not have been ready for a huge hug from a stranger.’ i looked at him gently. ‘not at all, that was the most warm welcome. thank you.’

oh, and when i registered they gave me the coolest Timbuktu messenger bag. perfect.

separation melts away

SalaamGarage India 09 participant Eduardo interviewing Santosh (LC: participant in the Women's Self Help Group) with the help of Manju (RC: Direcor, Women's Self Help Group) and Aditi (L:local student translator). photo: Maggie Soladay

was thinking about eduardos project this morning. eduardo, pretty quiet guy on the inida09 trip.

step back a bit. salaamgarage. early on i set the intention that people would create projects that would cause change. i was thinking change on the outside, external, measurable changes…  and then transformation would happen on the inside (read on). for example: sending a child off to school, paying his school fees, buying him shoes, paying teachers salaries, things like that. “us and them”… “how can ‘we’ help ‘them’”?…because we can and that is fine. but that is a low-mid level stage, one we all must pass through to get to what is next.

and certainly nothing ‘wrong’ with helping a kid out with school fees. i’ve done it over and over again. now it happens by accident as i am onto a different intention now.

what i have realized is that there is an illusion of need wrapped around that intention. not that i see folks as needy, i saw myself as needing to help, because i can. with this i  trip took my vision for salamgarage to another level.

when eduardo explained his project in an email it impacted me. i woke up this morning and thought about it (more like it hit me over the head). you see when i wake up in the morning i am met with the purest thoughts. thoughts that were already thinking on a greater plane, and i am just invited to listen because i am so calm and present.

so this morning i thought of eduardo and his project. “I’m working on an illustrated essay – so there should be some good bits to pull out – I’m interweaving my personal experience from my youth – now – as well as the self help group. we’ll see” … he writes in an email when i ask more about his project.

who knows what that means really. we’ll find out. i know eduardo lived in india when he was a young boy. beyond that i have no idea what he will do, but am looking forward to it.

so when i asked him about his project i didn’t get an answer like ‘i am creating a story about the women’s self help group, creating a call to action so manju (its director) can expand her group to village ‘x’.  going to raise funds so that her salary is supported … she gets and assistant …” something like that.

what i did hear was that eduardo found familiar. a relatedness between his own life and his experience in india. something touched him personally. so rather than having a ‘huge impact on the world’, the women’s group, or even one or two women, eduardo himself was impacted.

and what i saw further this morning is that this intention for salaamgarage is happening. that we ourselves are impacted greatly, and that we see ourselves as related to this planet, not separate of it or anyone. the planet becomes part of who we are. so instead of (or in addition to)  a mini-project like rescue 10 kids off the streets, we can turn this experience into something much, much greater. a shift in consciousness… which is eternal.

what i am seeing now is that extraordinary plans of sweeping change may never occur as a result of salaamgarage. what may happen is that a group of people will start to feel connected, related to everyone, anywhere. that our travelers will start to see themselves in everyone.

this trip was amazing for me, and i will write more about it in the coming months as it unfolds. this was my third trip to inida. on this trip i learned new ways  to accept the ‘is-ness’ of things, moving past separation, beyond where i was before. i became fascinated with everyone being and doing and the simplicity in that. on this trip i was able to ‘be’ the person and the leader that really finds myself in everyone.

you see, once you truly see yourself in others, there is no longer ‘us and them’. when you feel connected, related, at peace, enough so that you can create freely, express yourself freely, see your own life in the situation in front of you.. a situation that on the surface looks so completely foreign…  then a very big monster named separation melts away… and then in walks our shared humanity.

… or compassion for short.

how lucky am i…

wow.

today in the shower (where i do much of my deep thinking) i was in tears of gratitude. absolute tears almost whimpering. i am amazed. salaamgarage is taking off in places i had dreamed of, and places i forgot to dream about. what i forgot to dream about was with the incredible people i would meet along this path.

so, take a look at the people headed to India with us in September. i mean, i am in awe. i get to co: travel, create, inspire, experience, journey, laugh, and stare in amazement with truly incredible people. and.. this is my job, a job i have created out of passion and a purpose i self-defined: storytelling for the greater good.

look who i get to be with: http://salaamgarage.com/the-trips/india09/india-tour-participants/

..and India of all places. i LOVE India! i have a history with India as many of you who know me well, know i do. others who don’t.. i have spent about 6 months total in India throughout my life alone as a backpacker, working, leading the 1st salaamgarage trip, shooting professionally…and have never ever felt so alive, aware, awake and totally tuned into soul energy as i have in India. be it happy, sad, fear, anger, pain, bliss, curiosity, the whole gamut.. i have felt it there in the most intensely concentrated way. my past -who i will love forever- boyfriend’s (indian) cousin said it to me best: “india is like turning up the volume for everything, whatever it is” (i am paraphrasing). that about says it. get ready! (by the way, there is 1 more spot left for India)

so i get to travel with amazing photographers, writers, entrepreneurs, designers, ceo’s, social media junkies, geeks, hippys, leaders, BALLSY people who i am just amazed by! and… these are my ‘customers’!!?? more like my team, or posse,  people who i think truly believe that their storytelling combined with social media, passion, work, vision and inspiration WILL cause change for the greater good. how did i get so lucky?

Look at this from Jesse Powell: “Ideally, I’d be able to create or contribute to a sustainable independent organization that can take the necessary risks to set the examples that governments need in order to adopt the programs on a larger scale. While I think it’d be great to be a teacher, I ought to utilize the skills I’ve learned as an entrepreneur and in the business world to create more opportunities for other people to have rewarding experiences as teachers.”

and this, from Todd Gehman who is just brutally honest about a past travel experience: “I literally shot from the hip most of the time because I was too self-conscious to shove a camera in the faces of strangers. I’d like to be more integrated with the community and positively affect the lives of my subjects.”

And Lisa Field-Elliot “She says, “I believe this trip chose me, rather than the inverse. I am beyond excited for the beautiful images and stories that will be gathered, the connections that will be made, and the doorways that will be opened.”

a new sponsor joby tripods (http://joby.com/) just wrote me out of the blue and said ‘I am excited to support your endeavors and work with you..’ A travel agent yesterday who working on logistics for custom built SalaamGarage trips in africa (stay tuned, late 2010): locally owned and operated collaborators. (www.FazendinPortfolio.com).  she put it all together for me. i asked ‘are your fees included?’ she said “As for fees from us, there are none!”

Again I am in awe of how this feels. it is so powerful to step right into ones dreams. step right in. throughout the day i have to hold back my tears of joy, really. and i sit hear listing to old U2 and peter gabriel songs (which REALLY touches that magic place for me) right now: ‘one tree hill’… just desiring the whole world to feel this way. this joy, this realization of my dreams and the knowing that this path will inspire many many more people. the stories these travelers will create, and share, spread far and wide and the quiet, personal experiences they will all have, the humility they will witness. i am truly in tears imagining this, feeling this. i KNOW their lives will never ever be the same because mine wasn’t. i know what is out there and i don’t know what is out there. this and the other SalaamGarage journeys will have an impact on others that at the moment we can only dream of but i tell you i can see it. i can see the change, i can feel the shift. look at this India team. look at these faces, their websites, read about their passion, drive, these are changemakers. and not because of SalaamGarage, they always were. we just found each other.

and now, together we are all greater, much more powerful than the sum of our parts. (still in tears)

how did i get so lucky? i have had this vision, quietly, for over a decade and here it is. and it keeps happening, growing. the people i meet, the travelers who come with us, the partners, the sponsors, board of advisers (yep, that’s right!), even just the quiet questions in the corner, very timid emails. all of it. every single person. the janitor at the web 2.0 conference. look at the good we have all tapped into. this is just the beginning. i can feel that too, the same way i felt when i picked up a camera way back when…

i thank you all. this is yours too. this is all yours.

thank you.

hippy is the new geek

just got off the phone with ryan of flyforgood.com.  what a great guy. he works at the biz his father started years ago and [safe guess] innovated what his father started.

the travel biz is changing. everything is changing! with salaamgarage i am really seeing how. there is still the old fashioned way of doing things: call a generic travel agent, they book your ticket and take a fee, thank you very much.  but there is a new way of doing it and many things: connecting, creating partnerships, building relationships, supporting each other.

there is also another buzz with this industry that i have noticed: support for good. take paul newman and ben and jerry’s, and me (and others!). we’ve been doing it for years! i’ve been giving a percentage of my exhibition print sales to the ngo’s i’ve worked with. 5% of the profits from my book go to an ngo.  i cannot make photos of an ngo without their help, so why not spread the love and show support?

look at this idea:

http://www.volunteercard.com/?r=FLYFORGOOD

and this idea:

http://worldnomads.com/

I talked to all these folks this week and several others. all of these companies love SalaamGarage… and I love all of these companies!

it used to be, when i was an ‘official’ hippy in college, this was called: crunchy, wacky, free spirited, unrealistic, idealistic, generating a ‘you’ll never get a job’ auto-lable. it’s not like that anymore. we were onto something. our smelly recycling systems, unshaven legs, bike: don’t drive, i’ll just take the bus (even though the map is outdated and totally cryptic), hitchhiking, ‘if you bend it back a little you won’t need to buy a new one’, start your notebook from the other side flipped upside down next semester, sharing bulk food, ways of doing things… is now called green, sustainable, community based… oh the buzz words.

we hippies are now cool, innovative, making business that appeal to customers, the environment, local and international aid, communities even competitors! people working in this space share information, customers, resources, share! i have encountered some companies and situations where people want to protect, guard, secure, create fear, threats, hold captive information that keeps other from moving forward. i don’t think that mentality will survive the big pitcture. i see it now in my small business operations but also am seeing it on a lager scale. the key now is not to squash the competitor, its learn from them, know them, understand them, engage! to fear the competition is a sign of internal weakness in the company or ones own self.

that is not the way hippies do things and i swear, the more i plunge into entrepreneurship, new business opportunities, build relationships with other organizations around the world.. i am finding hippy is in and taking over. not even like revenge of the nerds. hippies don’t even want  revenge! it’s not in our operating system! ding dong the witch is dead!

hippy is the new geek, may we be fruitful and MULTIPLY!

feeling a heart stop beating

driving home on MLK blvd in seattle last night (busy street) i saw something odd. there was a cone in the median, a small orange blob next to it and a group of people looking at it from the side of the road. as i drove closer i saw the orange blob was a dog.  this little guy had been hit by a car and people were watching.

i pulled over ran into the median and asked the crowd ‘is this anyone’s dog?’ everyone shook their head mumbled, looked shocked, sad confused, overwhelmed, paralyzed.

i crouched down, threw my coat to the side and pet the little guy. he was still alive and breathing strangely. occasionally and mechanically it looked like he was trying to vomit, release something very painful from inside. i pet him, stroked his soft sweet orange fur and called 911. they told me to call some animal hot line number. i called the number, went though about 7 automated prompt numbers, listening for an option for an emergency. all i heard was  how to pay for a license… how to turn in a stray dog… not dial 8 for ‘how to save one’. tried to override by pressing 0, back to ‘for licensing dial 1′ (something like that).

i called 911 back again. ‘ please help me.’ i told her do not tell me to call that number.

‘this dog is dying and i think we can save him if we just knew where to go.’

i was put on hold, she came back ‘are you still there?’

my hand was on his heart, i felt it beating but slowly. he was is shock and i guessed going into a coma.

‘yes i am still here, the dogs heart is till beating but slowly’…

‘hold on… ‘ back on hold.

i was petting the dog telling him its ok. someone else came by and covered him with a sweatshirt to keep him warm.  i was telling the doggie  ‘it’s ok.’ i tried.. i tried so hard to concentrate, breath deeply and send life energy into this little critter. i tried so hard… ‘it’s ok to die’….

‘are you still there?’

‘the dogs heart just stopped beating. he just died…  now, can you help me. now what do i do with this dead dog?’

her voice became very soft and slow. ‘take him to the side of the road.’

‘i can’t just leave a dog on the side of the road. where do i take this dog? what do i do with this dead dog?’

‘take him to the side of the road.’

‘ok. thank you.’

i know she was trying to help. how frustrating. this little guy. now dead. i have never felt a heart stop beating before. just naturally watch and feel life leave a body and go somewhere else. leaving this shell, this body behind. leaving behind memories, soft sweet orange fur, cute little paws, a fresh, deep gash across his head, sadness and then stillness. i was so glad he was warm and receiving love from me and a guy that also stopped to help. at least this cute little amber furball wasn’t alone when he died. (ozzie, we found out his name. the owners roommate came out when the police finally showed up, the roommate saw the flashing police lights).

stopping to help. seeing something is wrong, stopping what one is doing and trying to help. I was not able to save ozzie’s life. He didn’t have any dog tags, was hit by a car and injured badly, ready to to.  It breaks me heart that whoever hit him didn’t stop to help. it breaks my heart that a crowd of people just watched… on cell phones (who were they calling?), not calling the 911 (i asked) just unable to act. it’s not a blame thing or a wrong thing, its a collective conscious thing. why, when i called the animal-whatever-number given to me by 911 was there no option for emergency, just options to collect money for pet license, ways to report and turn in stray dogs, bureaucracy and logistics. no service for this animal, this situation. why couldn’t there be an option for an emergency? maybe ozzie’s heart would still be beating.

why as a culture don’t more  people stop and help? why are people afraid to get involved? was is the fear? how did that start? why do we separate ourselves from life itself? where does it come from? I was about the 12th person on the scene, so 11 people were watching in disbelieve, sad, scared, but not doing anything. not calling the police. why?

feeling a heart stop beating is something one does not forget. it is startling, very sad and a wake up call once again for me, of how precious and fragile life is. How it is a gift and totally interdependent. I tried to help him and i realized halfway though this experience that all i could do was be with ozzie. be with him as he died. hold him, pet him, tell him it’s ok. it’s ok to die. all i could do was love this beautiful precious little creature and help him realize that he is not alone. none of us are alone, and we really do need each other to help… and be… with us.

really.

intersection where ozzie was hit by a car, the driver took off and the dog, ozzie died.

web 2.0 after thoughts… the beginning

its nearly impossible for me to write ‘in the moment’ when i am part of that moment (giving a keynote at a conference, preparing for it and managing the after effects). so i’ll start post-conference.

the sweetest moment for me all last week was right after my keynote a janitor quietly told me how much he enjoyed my presentation.

after i gave the keynote i had a strong feeling. i was a little nervous before the talk, and had ‘not rehearsed’ (cuz that never really works for me) a lot. i got off stage, felt that rush one feels, chatted in the green room for a bit (much more about this later).
i left the green room and had to walk down a really long hall to meet up with a huge crowd. It was very quiet in the hallway, and dark. i left the green room started walking down that long quiet, empty hallway, almost went into my mind thinking but a short older man tapped my on the shoulder. I turned around and stopped.

“I really liked your speech” he told me. He was soft spoken, wearing a janitors uniform short and about 65 years old. “You didn’t say like, uh or umm…”

“Thank you.” I looked in his eyes and smiled.

“it was the best I’ve seen in awhile. You are very real,” he told me.

“you must hear a lot of speeches, huh..” I asked

“I do.” he nodded, smiled, and walked away.

I stood still for a few seconds thinking no one else could have topped that compliment, delivery or just plain moment. That MADE my whole experience at web 2.0. Humbled me. realizing all of the who are people helping out, schlepping chairs, keeping things in order, picking up our soda cans…  our garbage…

it moved me that he was listening, being part of the conference, helping make it happen. and who knows, maybe the people who have signed up for salaamgarage were inspired by his work. he kept the place clean for them so they felt happy, organized, people signed up for salaamgarage and they in turn may help one homeless girl on the street in Jaipur. hungry. all of these guys are listening too.

everyone matters.

salsa dancing that turns into dreams

last night i went salsa dancing. an entry all to its self…

a few hours into the night i was in the bathroom primping with all the other ladies and pondered out loud, ‘ imagine inventing salsa dancing’… they… as many people do… looked at me funny.

‘ i mean, once there wasn’t salsa dancing, and then there was. someone had to make it up.’

i was watching some of the professionals dance last night. salsa amazes me. the music and the movement, expression of the music. it’s so beautiful, intricate, free, old, divine.. so much  and man.. i hardly know how to do it but sure do love it anyway. when i am out salsa dancing it is IMPOSSIBLE to wipe the smile from my face. total bliss and joy.

so i was watching people dance in awe that something like this exists. that someone, many people over the years have created, designed, added to, mastered this thing, this dance, music, all of it. in awe of the joy it brings to so many people. in awe of the variety of people on the dance floor from all over the world, sharing and reveling in an old, traditional expression.

how cool.

then i went to sleep, mind still spinning. i dreamt that i was traveling with my friend matt. he took me somewhere, to a secret museum to show me all of these incredible creations. i saw sketches of what would become the bible when it was just an idea, there were outlines of what would become the declaration of independence, there were drawings of what would be bhagavad gita, music scores by mozart…

then i was looking in the eyes of george washington. in this place was his corpse, behind glass. i could see his rotting teeth, his white hair… most intense were his eyes. i stared into his eyes and began to see a person who created a country. a country based on ideas, ideas he had learned from the past what worked what didn’t, his vision. the idea of taking many peoples stories, ideas, listening to people and creating something for all of them, for the greater good, starting from scratch. something that would lead to joy for so many… the perseverance of a vision, the belief in himself and that what he was creating had to be created. the dedication of his life to this creation. perhaps it is his vision that is decomposing.

the eyes of a person who had a dream, a vision for a land where people were thriving, free to express, create, become their own visions. his eyes were wide open, rotting and yet still so alive and fiercely focused, intense and so certain. this presence shook me.

i woke up exhausted, as though i had never slept. i woke up grateful and in awe of all that we have, in all that’s been created for us, to then create from. in awe of the creative process, having just a thought, then idea then creating from that, from nothingness to sheer masterpiece. in awe of everything that has yet to be created, by all of us.

for everyone.